Hi..the subject above simply describe the I’m feeling now.. I tak faham: is it us humans or does it cum wit the whole package? Adalah satu hamba Allah ni that I truly love. Known him for more then 3 years, tapi, there’s not one time whereby dia cakap kata-kata cinta to me. We’re more than friends, but not a couple. I dun understand.

Sum of my kawans said dia macam pisau cukur. Bila nakkan sesuatu, carik I mcm nak gila. But, when there’s a time that I perlukan dia, ada ajer alas an yg diberi. Nak dikatakan, I anggap dia like a part of me. Masa kenal-kenal dulu, semuanya manis, tapi sekarang, semuanya memilukan hati. For the past few months, kita asyik ajer bertekak. I maki dia, dia maki I, tak henti-henti. But I still say I sayang him. Kalau nak cakap pengorbanan, tinggal nyawa aja yg I blum korbankan. Nak motor, I downpayment kan. Nak minyak untuk jalankan motor, I beri. Nak handphone pun da beri.

Line kena potong, I sanggup bayarkan. Dia lapar, I sanggup belikan makanan and hantar ke tempat station dia time NS dulu. Kadang kala diri ni terasa macam manusia paling bodoh yg pernah hidup. Namun, hati berkata-kata suruh sabar. Istighfar banyak-banyak. It all started when he lied and I found out myself. Kerana menipu me, dia ditimpa kemalangan. Patah tangan kiri, muka calar balar. Hati perempuan mana yg tak sedih… When I heard of the news, I teros gi hospital. I cried when I saw him. Kawan dia pecah lobang that the night before dia gi merambu kat chalet, and mabok!!

Darah punyalah menyirap, but I kept my cool. I tatap muka dia and he just ignored me!! How cud dat be???!!! Airmata meleleh tak henti –henti. At last, dia marah me,”asal u nangis? u nak I mati perr?” astaghfirullahalazim…. That’s da last thing I wanna go thru’, go thru’ life without him. I tak boleh go thru’ life without him by my side. It’s like a shock to me, till now, I can’t accept the truth. The truth that he lied inspite of all the things I’ve done for him. All my love, care and concern goes down da drain. Da gadaikan segala-galanya untuk dia, tapi keikhlasan hati ni dipersoalkan.

Wat shud I do now? Early this year, he broke the news to me that he found sumone new. He wants me to let him go. I can’t. Tetiap malam I merintih macam nak gila. I asked my mummy angkat, kenapa nasib I mcm gine? Dun I have a fair share in this thing called love? Memang kita tak boleh mengharapkan balasan drpd setiap perbuatan baik kita. Tapi, patutkah dia perlakukan me macam gini? Dulu, when I asked, wat if I go and leave him alone? He said he wanna end it all. He need me by his side.

Tapi, kenapa lukakan hati I macam gini? I can’t find the answer. In the midst of our arguments, I asked him not to leave me again, and surprisingly he said that he won’t. He will never leave me. Apa yg dah jadik sekarang? At one time, he said dia da broke off dgn gal baru dia, at another, he said dia blum. Nak sakitkan hati I he said he’s gonna get married but not with me. WTF!! I feel like stabbing him right thru’ his heart. I dun wanna lose him. Memang betol ajal maut jodoh pertemuan di tangan Tuhan. Tapi, kenapa hati ni tetap degil ingin memiliki dia? I dun understand. Please help me go thru’ this…