Hold on!

Like all writers, I appreciate my readers' feedback.. As such, I felt disturbed when I noticed that several readers got lost along the way and felt that the article was not written coherently. Allow me to explain to the best of my ability… indeed I admit that the article might appear disjointed and totally irrelevant to the topic i.e. "Life's idiocyncrasies".. but I've purposely written it in such a way that the readers can spent some time to dwell into the writings and hopefully connect them to the actual topic. To those who're unable to see the whole picture, I sincerely apologise and I therefore taken the effort to explain myself further and clearer.

First of all, I guarantee that I wasn't feeling stressed out (hahah) when I wrote that article.. and secondly, I can safely assure you that the sub-topics that were being discussed in my previous article were not out-of-line. Perhaps, I shall explain and unearth the true message in my previous article, for the benefit of those who're still lost.

You will agree with me that living in this world can be sickeningly stressful at times. Planning does not guarantee positive results coz you don't have control over the external factors in your environment. Therefore, at times, you're only able to take comfort in doing certain consistent things eg. traveling to work, traveling to other places, having fun with close friends and getting to know other people during dates. However, if you noticed, I tried to bring forward my message about the craziness in life by explaining that in each of the mundane tasks that we do each day, life can still be very surprising and sometimes, you will experience shocks/happiness at the last minute. For example, traveling to work can be boring.. You take the same bus everyday, you travel on the same route.. but throughout these times, you sometimes find yourself exposed to many life's dramas… you become witnesses to many life's dramas, your nose is exposed to different smells and you encountered people with weird quirks. Similarly… for the dating topic, many times, you'll plan to make the best impression on your dates by planning in advance your words, actions, dressing, appearances… but again, life can be so unpredictable that at times, your efforts (or lack of it) sometimes become wasted. If you recall my date who wore a patchwork shirt… he might have the opinion that the shirt brings out his best features and that the combination of boots and gold chain exudes confidence… but sadly, I failed to share the same opinion. We are all living on the same planet.. we breathe the same air.. we walk on the same ground… but to be honest.. we are never similar.. we are always different coz we have different priorities, upbringings, outlooks, preferences, dislikes and opinions in life. I hope you geddit now. As such, the word "idiosyncrasy" used to describe life is quite apt. I ended my article with this quote: "We think about making good impressions every time. We worry too much about our future. We earn so much money to make sure that we live a stable life. And suddenly, we're dead." The point I was trying to put forth is this: Sometimes, we worry too much about achieving and getting hold of everything… and at times, we failed to reap the benefits of our efforts… Therefore, instead of being so stressed out by every tiny detail in one's life, we should take carefree yet calculated steps in life, handle one thing at a time… be tolerant of each other's differences (kalau tak suka something, try not to harp on it too much coz constant harpings can be so tiring at times) and hopefully, we will die with a smile, knowing that we have overcome the idiosyncrasies of lives by living our lives to the best of our abilities.
Okay.. I can sleep better now.. knowing that I've done my best in explaining the hidden messages in my previous article. Now, moving on to a new topic…

*flexes her fingers and cracks her knuckles*
How NOT to do things…

You know… I noticed that many articles talk about the correct way to do things.. Flipping thro magazines.. headlines like "30 things to say on your first date!", "What to say to impress your partner!" and so on…. These articles educate their readers to ensure that they would not be doing the wrong times at the wrong times at the wrong places… I, for once, think that a person who constantly does the right things at the right times at the right places is extremely robotic and boring… so, I live by my rules. Instead of doing the right things at the right times… I like to act otherwise.. often with hilarious results and outcomes… Now.. please be clear about one thing in your head now… You should NOT be doing all those things that I'm going to talk about… That's a big NO-NO! Understand?!!

How NOT to eat in a classy restaurant
Okay… I'm sure there will be one time in your life that you get invited to a dinner date in a classy restaurant… Dating pat Amiran's Café, Tong Seng Coffeeshop, Banquet and all other places yang sewaktu dengannyer cannot be considered as classy venues o Just imagine… a restaurant with candles, gorgeous crystals chandeliers, thick lush carpets, expensive and exclusive dinnerwares, shiny silverwares.. menus with golden words.. Can imagine kan??? Now.. so, biasalah.. you wear your classiest black dress.. Siap ngan diamonds, heels and an expensive clutch bag. Not only that.. you feel damn proud.. coz you know that your date is one gorgeous and handsome dude… In brief.. if he walks into any place, he will instantly be the envy of everyone… Apa lagi, biasalah.. Every minute, you will be telling yourself that: "Bukan main lagik aku… dapat pikat mamat sehensem ni… punyalah hensem… tak boleh tahan!! Biasalah.. aku jambu.. mestilah dapat mamat hensem…! Fuh!!" Bukan main riak! Hahahah!

Okay.. so now, to cut the story short, both of you are seated in that classy restaurant… You looked at the menu… Steak OUT! Baked chicken OUT! Since you want to portray yourself as a sophisticated lady, you naturally ordered pasta… Stylo kan.. Kalau makan pasta, boleh main gulong-gulong with the fork.. boleh main twist-twist… macam cute gitu kan.. then boleh slurp the pasta manja-ly along the way to further attract your date.. But alas.. you forgot all about one cursed rule and ordered black pepper seafood pasta.. Harmless name rite… WRONG! Your food arrived… Looks yummy! Tastes yummy! Apa lagi… you bedal… not forgetting to main gulong-gulong, twist-twist and slurp-slurp.. yang peliknyer.. throughout these times, your date looks at you with bemused eyes.. At this point of time, a normal lady will hear warning bells going off in her head.. but since you're not normal… you keep on thinking that: "Agaknyer dia dah terpikat kat aku.. Tu pasallah asyik sengeh jer… almaklumlah… gigi aku rata dan putih, senyuman aku memikat… leher aku jinjang… mesti dier terpikat giler nyer…"

So… you began to smile more at him.. You grinned more.. You exposed your 1 million dollar smile at him more… At last.. you cannot take it.. You feel like if you're going to smile another time, you might as well work full-time for a freak show… yang peliknyer.. your date bukan menjadik lebih romantic… he became more amused and slightly terrified of your smile now… HAHAHAH! So… doing the most sensible thing… you gave him your most expensive smile… and excused yourself to the classy restroom. You looked at the mirror… powdered your face lightly.. and when you wanted to re-apply your gloss… you realized the mother of all horrors…. You have bits of black pepper and olives stuck to every creek and corner of your teeth… In jist, when you smile… you look like a lady who had an extremely gross-looking set of teeth!

You search frantically for aid… Toothpick.. can't find any.. So you used your intellect and began to gurgle loads of water with hope to remove each and every black speck… Of course… this is not an easy task! Hahah!

Lesson: So, remember, if you're being asked for a date in a classy restaurant.. stick to the safest food… you know… fish… chicken… pasta.. but make sure.. they don't have black pepper… Kekekekek!

How NOT to attract a guy who disgusts you in the first place
I was introduced to a man who just started his first day of work in the same office. I greeted him cordially, maintaining eye contact and gripping his hand gently. I'm not your typical kinda of lady who loves men with great looks… I consider myself to be the opposite actually. I love men who're ugly.. Well, looks are very subjective.. I might find them handsome and attractive.. but my friends will tell me that there's something very wrong with my eyesight and brain.. Well, who cares… Love's blind anyway.

I'm sure, you don't always attract gorgeous looking men/women.. I'm dead sure that you will (at least once in your life) have a horribly unattractive man/woman who disgusts you upon first sight chasing you like poison…

Well, let me relate my experience… This same guy… he's 34 years of age… looks like a mangsa terbakar (his skin is an unexplained tone of red and looks taut and tight at the wrong places), he always wear business shirts and business pants that are too tight for him.. his face looks like it's been dipped and left for 2 houts in a pot of oil…here comes the best part… he looks talks and looks way older than his real age… let's see.. If I don't know his age.. I might think that he's a 45 year old apek who goes around molesting young boys in the parks.. Way disgusting.. But since I don't judge a person by his looks, I don't really care about all those things… My only purpose was to make sure that he felt comfortable during his first few weeks at work… Alas.. along the way, I began to hate him more and more… I spotted him behaving rudely at an old lady at my office… Another time, I spotted him taking credit for someone's else work.. and .. well.. lots of other things… The worse was about to happen… As I began to hate him.. he began to have the hots for me… firstly, he always goes to my office in the morning to greet me… secondly, he's always calling me at my office and talks about senseless things… thirdly, he's always asking me out for breakfasts/lunches/dinners… fourthly, he's always praising me for god-knows-what and the most scariest thing.. he loves to stare at me esp during meetings… Very creepy, this guy..

Since I rather keep a professional image at work… I've always treated him with caution… I kept my conversations neutral.. I rejected his makan offers politely… and so on. I've never reject him outrightly or bluntly.. coz I tak sanggup nak reject orang yang have a face like him (remember.. muka dier macam mangsa terbakar). Sometimes, it's really confusing.. I hate him but I pity him.. Even tho he's rude and disgusting to other people.. he's always very nice and polite to me. That's why I've never tell him off.. Till now.. he thinks that I really like him.. but just playing hard to get… Datok dier lah.. Bukan main punyer perasan! Puhleseeee lah!!!!

Lesson: Kalau you tak suka, I think the best thing is to tell that person off honestly right at the very beginning.. Don't be like me… Sekarang dah melarat seh… sampai sekarang.. I masih tak sanggup nak tell him the truth.. takut nanti dier terus pegi bakar diri dier sendrik nanti. LOL!

How NOT to be robbed in a foreign country
Now.. Who doesn't love holidays.. I love holidays! I love the whole process involved before I actually board the plane… the planning, the booking, and finally the packing… Holidays make me alive! Now… the last thing that you want to go wrong during your holiday is this… getting robbed and losing all your valuables (wallet, cash, cards, digicam, passport and so on) Seriously, everytime I go on a holiday, I always pray extremely hard hoping that I don't get robbed and stuff like that… Honestly, I don't mind getting lost in a foreign land (I got lost and walked around for 3 hours in Paris.. I totally love it though), I don't mind sitting in a plane that experiences ten thousand turbulences… I don't mind long queues in the airports.. I don't mind all of those… But… I'm afraid of being robbed.

Just imagine… you're holidaying in NYC or Paris… and you're dressed like this:-
I shudder to describe.. but I have to do it… You're wearing a white Tee... ader words like "So happy.. coz I'm on a holiday!", light blue jeans (the nerddddy type).. white Reebok sneakers (not the seasoned types.. I'm talking about brand-new white sneakers.. the one you bought specially for this holiday…! LOL!) … a black cap… a haversack on your back, an expensive Nikon slung over your neck.. and you refuse to put away that map and insist on carrying it at your right hand.. and opening and spreading out the map in front of you to make sure that you're walking along the correct route and going to the correct place. The next time you know, some quick dude had just snatched your camera or emptied your fat wallet. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Lesson: When you're traveling in a foreign country… make some effort to learn about the cultures of that country. Read up about the dangers, learn to dress properly so that you will be able to blend in with the people.. and so on.. And lastly, always buy insurance.. You never know what can go wrong…

How NOT to approach a stranger to impress him
Now, let's say.. you got your eyes on this particular guy… Biasalah.. kalau dah in love, everything about that guy appeals to you… His hair, his engaging smile… his expressive eyes.. his dimples.. his uneven kening.. alahhh… semua very appealing… even his bulu ketiak.. LOL! Okay.. to make things more realistic, let's say that the both of you don't' know each other but your work allows you to cross paths with him… anyway, will it make the matter worse if I tell you that this guy that you like/admire/love is 20 years older than you… For example, if I'm 26.. this guy is 46. Lagi 4 years, dah hit the big 50… Jadik Datuk atau Yang Berhormat! HAHAH! Anyway, you never had the time to talk to him.. coz the both of you don't dilly-dally during work.. and prefer to keep each other at an arm's length.. then one morning.. POOF! Your dream man is standing right in front of me… standing at a corner.. lazily taking a drag from his cigarette… You walk towards him.. pretending to be in complete control of yourself… when all this time, your heart gets more kecipot by the second… and worse…your heart's doing overtime by beating ten million beats in a second.. (dangerous tau!) and… all this time, you're pretending to be a calm and collected person… Then when you're very near him… you totally blanked out and instead of saying something totally intelligent and brilliant … you blurted "Hello Sir.. Do you know me?" Kepala hotak aku lah… Did I just say that?? I'm so retarded.. There goes my one and only opportunity…! Well, to make it worse, he looked at you with blank eyes.. and for a moment you detect a lil pity in his eyes… Sigh… macam terkehel gitu.. LOL!

Lesson: Entah eh… I'm sure all AM readers are calm and collected people with lots of poise… The scene mentioned above can only happen to people like me.. coz biasalah.. I'm a bit of a retard who loves to surprise people. But be rest assured.. the plan didn't backfired. *grins* Anyway, tu baru skit nyer stories… What about you? Ader stories tak? Share skit.